Hi honey, I'm home, and I mean so profoundly I can't even begin to explain. Boston is my home, I donj'tknow what Maine is, but isn't home anymore, I guess it's where I spent the first 18 years of my life, itis not where I did my real growing up, it's not where I am from, it's not alot of thigns, including where I belong.

My family gorws more dysfunctional by the minuteit seems, though I do have a sincere appreciation for most of the extended family, they at least appear normal.

I really respect my father, that mean gave up alot of his dreams for us, I guess I've always known that, and maybe now that he and mom are over he can actually chase those dreams. He is the hardest working person I know, and yet he refuses to fight for the things her's earned, he is letting alot of people take them from him and leaving him with nextto nothing and it's not right, I wish I could do something, and if I had gone to law school I damn sure would be. My dad is a hero of mine, one of a perescous few, I love him early and I hope he is able to find some true happiness.

Just had a great night with an old friend and some of her other friends who I met for the first time, Great group of people always nice to add new friends to the roladex, and remember how special oldones are.

Dave and I are going to iron out the whole progressive alliance thing tomorrow night. that should be quite a wild ride

Oh,and I now have a brand new pair of dress shoes, and a brand new pair of sneakers, good schtuff.

so the depression has been replaced by something else, soemthing that, though mildy disturbing, feels GREAT, pure unadultereated ANGER. I have been walking around listening to angst filled music, drowning out the world, punching walls with my fists full on, and boiling over. I have a right to be bitter and angry and that's a much better way to feel than hopelessly sad. On a related note, diting again, and I honestly think I can do it this time, I have a motivation I haven't had before, and when this is all said and done, I know in my heart, it will have been worth it.

Other than that, very dull day, nothing on idealist.org, and not a insgle call, probably a symptim of the holiday but whatever.

On that topic, I am riding up to Maine tomorrow for Turkey day, which means I'll probably be taking a hiatus with this, but I will post either sunday night or monday before the big interview, all of you, seriously, please keep your fingers crossed about this one, monday 3pm, that's D-day.

every moment I spend talking to her, being with her, all I can do for weeks on end is just smile, someday

Strange 48 hours to say the least.

Date saturday was nice, but she's a bit young for me and I am sure she is really interested in long term, she's spending all of next year in Costa rica, Laura is a very sweet giirl but she doens't set my heart on fire, that's what Ali does, and I realized it again last night. But I swear, I am being good, I am not pushing that situation at all, she means way too much to me to fuck this up. I just can't get over her love of people, her selflessness, she is just a wonderfully amazing person.

Had a pointless trip into the city, I had asked six times if they were hiring, they said yes, then I shelped down there and they tell me they never were hiring, odd, and really frustrating.

Having a really interesting email echange with this girl who has been posting back and forth with me on a political forum, she now appears to be flirting.

Anyway, the world is an odd ass place sometimes, but someday I'll figure it out,and when I do, look out, I will be unstoppable

This is shaping up to be one intresting day.

Got up after sleeping for nearly 12 hours, though I'd hardly call it a sound sleep. Got showered, dressed, actually ran some errands and had a kick ass white mocha and croissant at strbucks, they ma be evil, but damn can they brew a mean white mocah, though I wonder what would happen is someone walked in and ordered a coffee, just a coffee, I think their heads would probably explode.

Just watched a great college football game, I like Michigan but the Clarett kid is a great feshman, and PORTLAND HIGH WINS IT'S FIRST STATE CHAMPIIONSHIP IN 20 YEARS.............YES!!!!, it's nice for my own high school, but mostly I am happy for coach Bailey, he was very good to me as water-boy, and then when he put me in the line up for turkey day, really great guy and he's earned this title coming close several times, now let's just win on Turkey day too and cap it off right.

Cleaned my room, cacumed, not like me at all but that room was pretty gross so it's a good thing.

I have a date tonight, actually just set it up, her name is Laura, but it's not Laura from tuesday, she and I decieded we'd be better friends than anyting, this one is cool though a bit young, but we'll see, no pressure whatsoever.

juxtapose yesterdays post with this one and it's really odd

Another day, literally another six more jobs applied for, and yet I never hear back. This is more andmore infuriating each and every day. I can't do this anymore, I can't agonize each and every day about when my break will come i hurts too much and it's not healthy. I feel lost, I feel like I have no direction and ultimately, no hope. I WASTED four years and tens of thousands of dollars, aht I would have to fall back on right now if I hadn't forced myself to go college when I never really wanted to to begin with. I am happy for those of you who have jobs, or are in school, but I am also bittter and jealous, when is it MY turn to catch a break? You are all amazing people and I know you'll be incredibly successful, but I will not be, my dreams that I wrote about for years, not going to come true, aid I wiill be the same pathetic failure that so many blind/visually impiared people are. I should have known that would be my fate all along,but I was foolish to dream, to hope for something better, there is no reason for me to hold onto that anymore.

Well , so some day, woke up at newly standard ass early time, for no real reason, saw my eye doc, hey news flash, I'M STILL BLIND, though she did pull out a few stiches which had apparentlypopped, ran tot he bank, then got a fast breakfast of two hot dogs at Joe and Nemo's then ran BACk to the bank because I forgot my resume folder, then ran up Beacon Hill, for one of the strangest interivews I hope I ever have, tought in the long run she could be a very helpful

Came home and chilled till I got the idea to call a person from the Reich campaign who bascially finds jobs for people for a caeer, he could be a major asset, but who knows, I need something to break on that front very soon., pizza is so on the way, pepsi freezing in the freezer, in short lazy days

The world is a beautiful p,lace, I am depressed yet whistling as I walk, either5 I am manic, and depressive or I am just Zimmy, ack, who knows.

quasi-proiductive day today, set a few appointments for myself, called a head-hunter, got cable installed, ok kinda we don't exactly have a functional remote, and in a little while I am going to cook, yes cook, figured I'd give it one more shot.

Had a very nice, even if somehwat abbreivated, date last night with Laura, she's beautiful, intellegent, but there were some rather awkward lulls in the conversation, I got the sense she was less than thrilled with the speciemen of manhood that I am and I really think the sight thing tripped her out a bit too. I like this one, she seems like a fun person to hang out with. Kim was fun yesterday too, but I really do see as more of a friend than a relationship.

bank account keeps getting smaller and smaller, and there is no money coming into re-fill it, I have no idea what I am going to do, I can't move home, and I can'tafford to do anything right now

I guess there comes a time when I just have to sack up and figure out how I am going to make my dreams crome true, maybe comporimse a bit now to gain something great later on.

I plan to devote myself to alot of volunteer work in the near future, on this new progressive alliance thing, with United Leaders, and probably at a domestic violence/rape crisis center, I guess in my own mind I will be able to help people suffering from such tragedy, and in some small way be able to make up for not being there in high school when carley needed me.

Thnks must go out to Mr. Russo for the borrowing of his perfectly functional monitor, note to self, if this unemployment does ever actually end first two purchases, new computer, pair of black rockport sneakers minus slight tears in lining.

So I have FINALLY arranged interview number dos with the state house, cool, but it's not for another two weeks, on a related note I was informed yesterday that I am overqualified to be a store santa, I would have been a good one, and I explained to the windbag on the phone that I had no intention of establishing a career path of being a santa and that though I was overqualified I NEEDED THE MONEY, he promplty hug up the phone. I can be good with kids, I swear

read this next sentence twice, you won't believe it, I sure don't...............Today I have TWO count em' folks, two dates. One being another date with Kimberly of low those many months ago, we had a very nice lunch at Zaftigs deli, number 2 is with a lady I I met via Jdate, not ashamed to say it either, Laura, should be a fun night, we'll see.

My sleeping patterns as of late have been really wacked it must be the depression, or else I am in for a hellish several months of trying to straighten my body-clock out

Turkey day should be fun, no light draining sunglasses needed this year, speaking of which, it's now been one year since the last transplant and it's holding steady, thanks to lots of very severe imuno-supressents, which my mother is convinced are destorying my insides, to be fair, she coul be right medically, but the bottom line right now is, one year of good eye sight, thanks Dr. B

Wow, so i am typing this thing on a bright yellowy-green screen, if I did any sort of drugs this would probably be very trippy.

Middlebury was an excerside in how not to spend a weekend. I apparently debate about as well as a monkey who slings his/her feces around the room, to encapsluate how poor the judgin I recieved was, going into round 4, high 2-1 team, hit that we knock out of the park, to the point that after the round the other team virtually conceeded, and then TD drops us, I finished 2-3 and wasn't in the top ten speakers, and every single judge i had read from the script............The Friend I was supposed to spend time with never showed, which actually really hurt my feelings..........................awful snowsotrm on the way home nearly got into a serious accident and were,*(once again( forced to wait for a tow-truck in new hampshire on the way home from middlebury, I will never go upt here again.........oh, and I was made to feel like a jerk for wanting to sleepin my own bed last night, how silly of me.

They finally called back about the second interview for the state house job, but I missed it since I was out of town, I'll take care of it tomorrow.

computers dying, people calling at 3am, bored stiff, ack some day the last 24 hours have been

Went to bob's toight though, once jake got the comptuer fixed, Most of them are employed, those that worked on the campiang I mean, which is depressing, Bob offered to help me out, and offered to probably judge at Nats, which is just cool. Buffets SUCK for blind pople, I ate nothing haven't eaten much in several days

Middlebury should be cool, Brian is a good debater, other than the cowshit it's nice country, and I will finally get a chance to hang out with a friend

Anyway laurndry should finally be done drying, off I go, goodnight

I keep being told by friends that I never update this thing, that's not so much truenow as it used to be, but I still have to wonder if anyone is even reading, or if I'd be better of just keeping a personal journal, weblogs are only wothwhileif actually read I think, I'll do this one more time zimm719@yahoo.com please email me if you read this, it would mean alot

I am at present attempting to make my own pasta and meat sauce, thiscould be a complete disater, or it could turn out great, if you hear of a fire in brrokline, it's probably my place.

Unemployment told me yeserday it will be two weeks bef0ore they even tell me I am to be granted a hearing, dude, I seriously may have to become a gigolo to pay my bills

I feel so guilty everytime I have to bum a ride from friends, I mean honestly, they don't make me feel bad about it but I am sure it annoys them that I always need someone to give me a lift, but there really isn't anythkng I can do about, this is one of the things I hate most about my disability

I actually felt happy most of yeserday, I could just be manic, orI could geuninely be breaking out of my funk, we shall see,

Ddemocratic convention circa 2004 is going to be in Boston, right now my plan is to mkae Chi Town 68 look like a love in compared to what I have in mind, and honestly I already have somethings in the works with people, be looking for a webiste up soon encouraging Greens and Progressive Dems to join up and leavethe DLC Demsin the dirt.

OK, SO DEPRESSION IS BAD ENOUGH, AND i DO KNOW THERE ARE SYMPTONS BUT WHY, OF ALL OF THEM, DID THE GUY WHO NEEDS A REGULAR EIGHT HOURS TO REST HIS EYES, GET STUCK WITH INSOMIA this is all one big joke isn't. gotta go to unemployment today to file an appeal and it looks as though my darling roommate tossed my notice out inthe garbage, nice to know she respects me enough to throw out amil with my name on it.

Assuming I get any rest today I plan to do a practice round with Brian out at Deis, sake off the old ring rust and all.

I wonder it will really happen, guess I'll know soon enough, oy is it a bad idea though but that's never stopped me before

During my insomnia I was re reading storey's blog, trying to figure out when I first, and last appeared, nice to know that I was part of one fo the best days of the last few years for storey, ok granted that was before emily and I assume everday with someone you love is a great day, but who knows, speaking of which, it was really talking to her over IM a few days ago, I dont wish unemployment on anyone, but I guess there is some good in knowing I am not the only one, but I have no doubt she'll find something soon, she's way too gifted not to and every employer who does pass her over is making a mistake.

You know what's odd, Nina is getting back with her boyfriend, a mistake I think, but here's the kicker, I am actually happy for her, go figure. I had real feelings for her but ultimately I want her to be happy, I don't know that she will be happy with her boyfriend but you know what, who am I to tell her otherwise. It is more important to me that she find happiness than that it be with me, if it's with Ricardo, I will honestly be happy for her wow it's like I am mature or something

So I proimsed Ali that if she writes down an exercise regiment I will actually follow it, it's funny that to get healthier I have nearlhy kill myself in the process, but you konw what, it's something I should do, and maybe it will take my mind off of this all consuming depression

Bernbaum is a really good kid, heart in the right place, disturbingly similar to me in some ways, disturibingl different in others but he does mean well, usually, we just need to work on his self-cenorship button.

So, I am really thinking about starting a new political party, I am going to tak to a friend about building a website and also going to sit down with some local young politcal leaders and some more esablished ones as well. I want to see if we can find a way to join the progressive Dems and the Greens together. I may bring it up to Bob on Thursday when I see him. HEY I REALLY COULD BE THE NEXT ABBIE HOFFMAN YET!

Cant' sleep, no idea why, just can't, so I decieded to work on something I started over a year ago, my own personal manifesto, it's more of a 20 page prayer on how I wish the world was, it's too flowery, too high minded at times, but it's cute, and when it's done, it will have all the important, truly important, dates of my life and what I learned from them

Well, hmmm, I guess I now figured out what my problem is, though I have no idea how to solve it, bascially, I need to be needed and right now I feel not needed by anyone, women, employers, friends, family, anyone really, and that's what's so upsetting and depressing to me, now that I know the problem I have to figure out how to be needed or not need to be needed so much.

Looking forward to middlebury next week

I should stop sleeping til 2pm, though it's not really my fault I listen to my body, my body wanted me to sleep, so I slept

MMMM, Bar-B-Q

So it's now been well over 72 hours since I've left this apartment, I wish I had the motivation to do so, but I just don't care

And the torment it goes round and round in the hellish spectrum of life. I have always been terrifed of death, could never ever hurt myself, but really yesterday the thought scared me alot less, and that scares me.

Brian is a really good kid, kind of like the little brother I wish I had (I love daivd but if I could have picked an ideal situation, he's not it) , I see alot in him that I wish I had been

We all have these spheres in our lives, home, career, relationship, friends, well, none of them seem to be breaking my way as of late, and it's more and more painful every day, I got 11 hours of sleep last night, why? because I had no motivation to get out of bed, I just need something, any one thing, to break right for me, problem is, I've been asking for that for 3 years now, it's not going to happen

Those of you who know me, serious question, have always been the whiny ass I feel like I am becoming, I think I am getting deeper and deeper into depression, stuff with nina, lack of job, complete lack of money, actually been suggested by now four people that I apply for foodstamps or move home, WHAT THE HELL DID I GO TO COLLEGE FOR??? Move home, honestly gieven today's rant on transportation and my feeligns of helplessness without a car, and this being in boston, does anyone want to take bets on how quickly I'd be in a padded rtoom if I moved back to Maine? I honestly just feel completely worthless in all aspects of my life righ tnow, can't even get motivated to shower, what's the point I have no where to go, nothing to do, and am jsut wating till I get ecitced.

So, no Cornell for Zimmy this weekend, why you ask, well here goes another rant, which I seem to be having alot of lately...............................

Ok, so all of you out where with vehicles, do you even begin to comprehend the FREEDOM this gives you, I feel in a manner of speaking (and for the ladeis out there I mean this in a totally non-sxeual way) impotent. I can't get anywhere outside the Boston city limits on my own, I have to rely on the world to take me places and I hate it, this isn't about cornell, it's about the principle of how independent I try to be and yet how completely helpless I am. Sure I could take a bus, but I can't afford that right now, and since buses are so damn comfortable to begin with clearly that's a preerable way to travel, I mean G-D DAMN IT I hate this

Well wow, did that election suck or what. I guess it was something of a referendum on how the American people feel about Bush, he was the real winndr last night, and the American people lost out on a chance to have some real wonderful progressives elected. The Democrats never really stepped up and challenged Bush because they were rorried about looking unpatriotic, a charge which somehow stuck to a man who lost three of his limbs in service to America, speaking of which, when Bush now has carte blanche to start world war three, I highly advise all young men to run to canada because there will be a draft. I encourage you all to read Sinclair Lewi's it can't happen here, IT IS HAPPENING

Nina's former beau Ricardo is an interesting gent, first class putz, but she still loves they guy, Portland is behind me now, my future is here that's all there is to it, I never should have gone back for the election as it is

Sleep is a commodity I actually was able to do without for forty hours, I wasn't dead on my feet either, I don't reccomend it, but it can be done, by the epitome of laziness none the less, though I hear from the conductor on the Downeaster that I snored for three hours

Good G-d Governor Mitt, and if I get the job with Ways and Means, I'll be workiing with Governor Mitt.

May G-d have mercy on us all, if it's going to end, end it quickly please.

So I thought it would be a good idea to stay awake till 9am so that I could then go to bed, wake up around 7 and be ready to be awake for the next24 hours or more, this is seeming more and more like a poor idea, but a full liter of pepsi, some coffee, and homemade tacos at 4am are I guess doing the trick

Nina and I spoke again tonight, seems like I am more messed up than I ever realized, truth is, I just feel very unwanted/unneeded by people, it comes from vever having had a real job, or a real love life, I just need to feel needed I think. I push so hard on relationships because I am terrified that if I don't rush it they will find someone better since interally i apparently don't see myself as worthy of being loved, yet all that pushing for something just pushes them away, my g-d I am so fucked up I hate like feeling that four years of college were a total waste, but why am I unemployable, I did graduate from BRANDEIS gor christs sake I may not be a rocket scientist but I ama whorthwhile person capable of doing alot of good for people, if only sone would give me the chance, I'd love to turn myself into the next Abbie Hoffman, but Hoffman was uninsured and lived out of a shanty, I can't do that for numerous reaons, I need a part time job and a sopa box in Boston Common, but where or where can I find my Angel

Interesting weekend to say the least, and to Scott from the pacific northwest, thanks man, nice to know this gets read every now and again.

Brandeis debate tourney was good stuff, though apparently Greg thought my missing fourth round was bad, hence I was given the honor of judging the "instructional round" I am pleased with myself for staying awake, stunned that I judged the following case fri nigh "States should/shouldn't liscense domanatrixes, horrifying topic ineed.

Novemember is here, we have a roommate, and Matt has decied to grace me with his friendship once more, I am glad but I will be interested to see how long it lasts

Travelling alot this week, Maine late tomorrow night to help out with GOTV, then up to Cornell this weekend, agreed to dbate at Middlebury and MIT, middlebury going with our star novice as Brandeis Harold and Maude, and yes folks, I'm maude, and then with a cooky libertarian to MIT, going as Brandeis Hellen Keller

Maine should be interesting, I'll see Nina, but her asshole of a quasi-boyfriend will be there too allegedly, should be a fun 36 hours

Unemployment doesn't think me worhty of recieving any, apparently since I quit my job for ethical reasons that's not enough of a reason to have quit, you are supposed to be unethical according to the schmuck who reviewed my case, or if you want to be ethical just don't file for beneifts, I honestly have no idea how rent or health insurance will beg paid, I may very well end up loosing my home and my coverage, it scares the hell out of me, but there is not much I can do about it.

I just have to keep believe all these road bloks are for a good reason and will in time make me stonger, who knows. I sure don't