you will be misssed

Well it's been a hard few days. I found out last night that my third cousin, who I was very close, Marvin, passed away yesterday morning. He was 62 and I had been supposed to stay with his son Dan in New York Friday night, . Now I will be going to his funeral instead, truly a loss for my whole family. They lived in MA for years, and I stayed over a lot with Dan and Kenny, and Francy and Marvin were all very special to me, time and distance has not deminished how much they mean to me, even if I haven't seen them in a long time. I will miss Marvin a lot he was a special guy, and was one of the first to get me in baseball card collecting, I will always membered the sign on the back of his front door "My wife says if I buy one more baseball card she's leaving me, Damn am I going go miss her"

I will be going to NYC tomorrow to spend some time with a very close friend from Maine, I haven't seen Josh since 9/11 when he was on the 38th floor of tower one. I won't ask him about it because I would assume it's not something he likes to talk about, but there is so much I do want to know. Never taken he train anywhere but Maine before I am kind of looking forward to this.

A lot of people are trying to help me out with job stuff recently and I have three interviews within a one week span, so I am hoping something happens soon.

Women, what women?

well fuck them

I've now slept through the last week, not sure why I am awake now but you all know the same old son.

It will be great to see some old friends, and some relatives in NY next week

According to Ma office of unemployment I am worth 92 dollars a week, yeah, good thing this will help me pay my bills, oh wait, it WON'T

I had to get a new cell phone today, went with T-mobile, and I get CRYSTAL clear reception in my whole apartment, very happy.

No more opposite gender for me, I should just accept I am to be alone, I only have so many times I can get my hopes before I realize that my heart doesn't deserve this

You think anyone would hire a blind chef, or maybe buy a cookbook from one, or there has to be a way I can market this.

SlimFast.............................yummmmy

wiat, I'm confused

I don't get it, why do people who CHOOSE to live in a place that is SUPPOSED to be cold, complain when, for the first time in how many years, we finally have some truly cold weather, weather which allows us to skate on really frozen ponds, cuddle by a fire with an excuse, and drink hot cocoa long and slow, this is what New England is supposed to be,. stop whining.

I've been out and about the last couple of days wandering around, hitting on women on the T, and just living life.

Overslept severally today, due to not falling asleep till about 5 had to reschedule telemarketing thing, not a problem though.

I think I may bounce a check, not good, but no money till that check from MA comes in, which will be a while I am sure.

Still need a place to crash in NY next weekend, more and more I wonder if that city really is the place for me, maybe everyone should live there at some point in their lives just to say they did.

miss me?

Sorry kids, I've been away for a bit. well not away, just guess I've lost interest, at least for a bit, in this thing.

Still been going into Kerry a lot, cooking a lot, moping a lot, went to Maine for the weekend, it actually wasn't awful, but there is no way I could do it full time,

Unemployment DID hook a zimmy up, thank G-d so I have that going for me, which is nice. I also have a job interview for some telemarketing firm tomorrow part time but it will help pay the bills.

I have an interview in NYC next Friday for a non-profit we shall see.

Some fairly big news, at the beginning of march I've been asked to help do a presentation to a major national conference with respect to training blind and visually impaired young people for the working world. Its a huge honor and all expenses for the trip to DC are paid by the conference. pretty neat.

Nothing to report with the opposite gender, as per usual, I am a mouse, they are the cats, I'd like to be delusional and see it the other way around, it's not.

My mood is in general blue, but with a hint of guarded optimism, the corner may be in sight, but I certainly haven't turned it yet.

Life is pain

Sorrow, today and tomorrow, pain, Boston or Maine, Depression, Aggression, Regression

The world may not be ganging up on me to conspire to continue my misery, and I know I could be worse off, but I hate this, I hate feeling so alone, so helpless and so completely unwanted by anyone

142 Davis ave has been my place of residence for exactly a year now, and I feel more hapless than I did that day. I feel like Columbus traveling to the end of the world, and yet I don't think I'll find land, I feel like I could fall right off

They say it's always darkest before the dawn WOULD THE SUN FUCKING RISE ALREADY

I am sure people have stopped reading this, no emails, no calls, though that's not that different from every other day I know you all think I am just whining and I am sorry I can't be all shiny, I sure as shit wish I could find a reason to be happy.

I think scared my friends and parents with the way I was talking yesterday, I only wish I hadn't been sincere in my sentiment.

kerry, mandy, and ms. spencer

Last few days have been interesting. Thursday I had my hearing and I think it went pretty well, we'll see............That night went out with Russo, Stein, segal, and marcus, funny night good times

I've been doing resume drops like mad, senators offices, city hall, state house, and I have been doing volunteer work for Kerry's campaign, more phone-banking, it's going to drive me up a wall if that's all I get to do.

Cooking cooking cooking, latkes, steak, pasta and meatballs, all homemade, by moi.

Mandy has been busy as all get out lately, but this girl is well worth the wait for her time, we'll see what happens with that.

and so it goes

well, here we are again. My sleeping pattern has reestablished itself thusly, asleep between 12 and 1, up at about 4, awake till noon or a bit after, then asleep for another three hours, can't seem to convince my body to stay awake. this limited sleep has really motivated me in doing a lot of things in relation to jobs, housing, food, and friends.

Women are getting interesting, who knows what'll happen c'est la vie

unemployment hearing is today, I plan to run things like a debate case, one where I will probably suffer from a poor ruling by an uneducated judge as per APDA.

I can do this, I can change my place in the world, it's all about persistence, passion, and positive thinking.

I'm reminded of Annie here "the sun el'come out tomorrow, bet your bottom dollar that tomorrow they'll be sun" given our recent weather pattern, that's got several meanings

The one thing I do very much need right now is to feel connected to people, as the world passes day by day and I sit alone in my apartment, I realize how much I need to feel like I have a circle of people who care about me, who are with me, and who I can just hang out with, I also get that a lot of those people aren't nearby, but if you are reading this, and you not in the Boston, please email me, or call zimm719@yahoo.com, or look me up in the yellow pages (not giving out my home number on a public web page( It would just mean a lot to hear from some of you, and know that I still am a part of your lives despite present distances..

By the way, Storey, Em I know you guys read this, I am so excited for you guys, congrats with both being employed, and more importantly, six months from this coming monday, I can't wait you guys are are truly so deserving of all this happiness, oh, bet geez guys a cat, get a dog, they are so much more fun, and don't drag litter boxes on to beds.

blah blah blah

I think when one is in a situation like I am it all seems very repetative, which is terribly frustrating.

May have a shot with a job in Philly, though I'd much prefer to stay in Boston given recent events.

Senate job in in a holding pattern due to the committee appointments though since they didn't blow me off outright I have some good feelings,

ah, and unemployment meets my wrath this week, this is going to be might unpleasant should they choose to screw me again.

The apartment is starting to get a real homey feel. I like it, now if only I can afford to stay it will be home finally, nearly a year after moving in.

As I sit here during another night of insomnia, listening to the mouse scurrying around in the trash bag, I can't help but think about a lot of things. For all the whining I do I do honestly belive that all of this is for a reason, I have to belive that, the alternative is too scary. I think if we understood why bad things happen to us, or to any good person, we'd stop searching for answers, and life is ultimately a quest to find the answers to our hopes and dreams, if we ever actually reach them, sure it will be great for a while but in time it will get very boring and unfulfilling, that's why we need to set our goals high, set small ones too, reachable ones, but look always for more strive to reach the unreachable star. I may never figure out what I am doing here, I may be unemployed forever (ok please G-d I hope not) but if I am than that's ok (ok well it's not ok I need money and food and shelter) but sometimes bad things do happen to good people, and in the end I really do have it pretty good, granted a lot of people have it a lot better, but a lot of people, in fact most people in this world have it a lot worse, It's time I stop bitching about how bad this situation is and start trying be genuinely happy. I don't know what gave me this great revelation, maybe it's Mandy, maybe it's me just finally waking up to the world, or maybe it's a lack of sleep and I'll be mired in depression when I awake anew, that's why I am writing it down here, so that if it is the latter than I can read this, and never forget what in my heart I know to be true, life is good, it could be a hell of a lot better sure, but I am alive, I have food, parents and friends who stand by me, and a lot of years to accomplish my goals big and small. I'll get a job someday soon but until then, I'll be happy even without one, life without happiness is a pretty boring place to be, I'll be happy, but I won't be content or complacent, because those also lead to boredom, and above all else, I am tired of being bored.

Well well well

It's often amazing how quickly life turns on a dime. Still no job, and things with a certain someone went downhill very fast, but you know what, that's ok because that was an internet thing that I was ready to throw myself into simply because I was at a very low point in life and needed her to be real. A few days ago I was shopping at Stop'n'shop and met Mandy, we started talking a bit and went out tonight, had a great time, and she's a really cool person, someone I look forward to spending more time with. We both had a good time and we'll see where things lead, no pressure though because that's how I end up messing things up usually.

Other than and our new roommate Reinita, oh and the mouse, not much else new, aside from me learning to cook, and doing so very well I might add made a great steak rubbed with salt and pepper, grilled with diced onions, and braised with jack daniels grilling barbecue sauce. made with some nice homemade steak fries, it turned out great.

Finally, no jobs, and it's killing me, I want to be able to stay in Boston very badly and I won't be able to much longer if I don't find something very soon, or if I don't get the unemployment I am due.