never felt so alone

I really can honestly say I have never felt so alone, it's an hour before new years and I am stting in my shorts and tshirt watching the news, eating my delviered food and hating myself. 2003 won't be any better than 02 or any year previous, why should it be, tonight makes it perfectly clear, no one wants or needs me in their lives it may sound ridiculous but I really just feel completely devoid of hope that's a terrifying feeling. Happy New Year

Some New Years indeed

Looks like everyone has some fun new years planned but me. Whether it's going out to a party or some other such thing everyone seems to have something to do. I am glad they'll have a good time but I will admit to being pretty upset abou the whole thing, I mean, I know I've already metnioned on here how crappy my last four new years have been, and this one is apparently going to consist of delivered chinese and crappy NYE college football. They say it's always darkest before the dwn, the last several years of my life have been one hellishly dark pre dawn, WOULD THE SUN PLEASE FUCKING RISE ALREADY

my choices

If you all would like to know why I made the choice to take certain thigns down I'll be more than happy to explain, but just know that though certain thigns happened I am ok and in the end that's what matters.

Have been something of the same ridiculous nocternal issues and worse, really haven't been eatring, I plan to go to the grocery stroe today, but I think my one credit card may be near or at max, so I have to be very careful.

Friends, I have no New Years plans, PLEASE GIVE ME SOME, I dread the thoughtof this New Years being as bad as the last 4

Life is pain highness, anyone who tells you otherwise is selling something

YOU LIVE, YOUR LEARN, THAT'S ALL THERE IS TO IT

X-mas day, what's a jew to do?

Well, I had a fun couple of day, yesterday I worked all day hard on getting some thing arranged for myself Kerry stuff making way, and interview for someting else firday morning, we'll see.

Then today I decieded to hit the moives, saw a few solid flicks amist a blizzard, the snow was comingi n sideways which kinda hurt.


Anyway, that's really about all that's gone on the last few days, aside from Russo bringing me some great christmas good, thanks man.

ta ta for now

acky pooh

Well, I appear to have the time to delve deeper into a depression over my job situation. I never heard back from the state folks, and I am sure I'm going to get passed over for that too. I may actually be applying for a job a freaking Blockbuster, ah, good thing I went to Brandeis huh? Parents are both yelling at me for not having any food, however not having money to PAY for that food makes it hard, their solution, food stamps or moving back to Maine, this doesn't sound like a good idea on either count, at least not if I don't want to become suicidal, they thought I was joking when I said that, I am not joking.


Unemployment finally wrote back, I have a hearing on Jan. 9th, how nice for them to dictate my life, I was SUPPOSED to go up to Maine that day for baldacci's inauguration, and I was going to potentially talk to some people about his DC office and a job there, thank you unemployment office for screwing the pooch on that one for me, ASSHOLES

Went out with Segal, Russo and Matt tonight, it was good to see them all, again though, "keep your chin up" "it's a tough market" "use your connections"none of this helps, none of this is a JOB OFFER, unless you have a job to offer me or a contact I can make, stop fucking telling me to keep my chin up, I have a right to be angry damn it

I could post

but there's NOTHING to report. I've done NOTHING over the last few day

When I say there is nothing to report I am not exagerating, I'd love to provide you all with some insightful comment but I have done nothing,.

I jsut can't do anything right

Rant time.....................People always tell me to take initiative then I do and I get people telling me not to..............people always tell me that I have had a problem in the past with being honest, then I make it a point in my life to be as honest as I can be, and for this, you guessed it, people get angry with me, I can't win with people, and this time it appears to have cost me a friendship that I very much value and that person blames me for his problems when he really should be looking in the mirror, it's been such a crappy year.

Still no news on the job front

I was able to put the lease in the mail finally, and then deposit federal check number one for the month, but that ain't gonna get the job done

Nothing else to report, it's my life, of course nothings happening. I really do feel very alone and that is a painful feeling, I look back at the last 24 years and I am trying to figure what I have accomplished, and where those life long friends are. I haven't built anything stable socially, financially or otherwise and it sucks. 24 years with nothing to show for it I don't have a long time left for this world, if I am lucky maybe another 40-50 years when I close my eyes that last time will I still think of the first third of my life as completely pointless, I can't think of why I wouldn't, I have nothing to take away from them.

04, Oh boy

Well, we don't have Al Gore to kick around anymore, so I have chosen to put my weight, and we all know that's a substantial amount, behind John Forbes Kerry, I've applied for a position with his campaign, the man's initials are JFK, he is a good person and a war hero, ideologically he's not my ideal horse, but he's the horse we may be able to ride to victory, and no one who has announced so far is closer to my ideology. Who knows if they will hire me, but SOMEONE HAS TO.

Had a nice coffee with Matt last night, did laundry, got a new cane (once I found out I broke the old one while flailing it at the idiot who almost hit me Saturday night) other than I am, as per usual, bored stiff, but I've showered and dressed, so I've got that going for me which is nice.

I feel bad that Ali thinks she needs to walk away from a friendship I know she values due to something that I told her, but had a right to know, and needed to know it, hopefully I can talk her out of her choice but we'll see. It kills me that being honest with her may have brought her even the slightest amount of pain I love her and don't ever want her to be hurt and upset, but then again I can't protect her from everything either.

sorry to reiterate this time and time again, but I am so desperate for money right now there is virtually nothing I won't do and as result NYC is looking more and more like a possibility. oy I hope not, I just with I knew about the Senate job.

Where everybody knows your name

Well as we've established I've been bored as sin lately, so I at about 7 last night I chose to just get up off my ass, get dressed, and head into Boston. I ended up at Fanueil Hall and Cheers, which was cool, food was only ok. Then to Wonder Bar, I was about to leave there after a short time of being bored when I ran into Brooke on my way out, she was there with a few friends so I met them, cool group of people, but I was still rather bored so I left around 11.

As I was walking home from the T I had a walk light, cars had a red light, some asshole kept going and came within inches of hitting me, he didn't but my oh my, did I have fun screaming and making him feel like a pile of shit. It wasn't even raining then so the bastard had no excuse.

Most important event of the night at about 2:15 my cell phone rang, it was her, we talked for almost 45 minutes, and it's been a while since I've talked to her. She's stressing about finals but she's brilliant so she'll be fine. I do love her, no ifs ands or buts, she is my whole world and my life is better because she is in it. If she doesn't got to NY for New Years I may be spending it with her. I hope I spend a lot of New Years with her, Please G-d maybe not today or next month, but let her feel the way about me that I do about her, you owe me that much after everything.

I wish it would rain down

Wow, it's been pouring for nearly 24 hours now, though I've stayed totally dry since I haven't left this apartment since Wednesday night, can you say BOUNCING OFF THE WALLS.

Sarah decided to leave us on a low note, coming home at 3am, having forgotten her keys and laying on the buzzer till I awoke to let her in, , then she and her friend informed they were drunk, I grunted something and went back to bed, to awaken to find one, or both, had yuked all over the bathroom floor. Memories, of the way we were.

I haven't commented on Cardinal Law or Trent Lott yet the first should be happy if his punishment end at resignation, the man should be prosecuted for obstruction of justice, his actions allowed criminals to continue to commit some of the most horrific crimes one can do against another person. As for the lovable racist from Miss. He won't be forced out, but he sure as hell should be. Keep him a Senator fine, but this man is going to be controlling the agenda for the US Senate and he believes that plessy was a GOOD ruling. Strom Thurmond is retiring, Armey and Barr are gone, it's time to have a reasonable, and truly moderate republican be in charge if anyone of them has to be.

Another one bits the dust

Just another day with no excitement, another day in my life where literally nothing happened. We aren't here for a very long time on this earthly plain and there should NEVER be a day wasted. Yet lately all I seem to be doing is wasting days, wether it's due to depression, laziness, or loneliness I feel like I am literally wasting the gift of life G-d gave me and that just plain sucks.

Maybe I'll go out with Matt tomorrow night, Chris and Ali both seem hard to reach recently, I know it's finals time but I hope there isn't something more there on either count.

I cooked a mean stir fry last night, with rice, I'm doing good though I am still not exercising so I am probably not loosing a single pound.

She leaves tomorrow, BARUCH HASHEM

Jake flew to Ore. for the weekend to visit his belle, I long for the day when I have someone that means that much to me in my life, and when I have the economic ability to fly cross county for a weekend, let alone PAY RENT!!!

Zimmy, loose in NYC? just maybe.

A former counselor of mine called today, she is going to try and set me up with a job in New York working for a non-profit building on some of my past employment service experience, but we'll see. I do need a job desperately, and if I weren't desperate I wouldn't even consider New York, but sometimes you have to do what you have to do.

Went to the Brookline Town Dems last night, can you say BORING good g-d it seems really hard to just walk in there and get involved, if you don't already know oodles of people, we'll see.

Well Elizabeth bailed on me for this weekend, a surprise Bar Mitzvah came up, first off who has a Bar Mitzvah in December, secondly, how exactly does one FORGET they have to go to one, I'm sure as with her gender in general she's playing with me, which is her right, but G-d damn it's annoying.

Life is really dull as of late, but at least we got our dishwasher and front hall light fixed.

How pathetic is it that the last sentence is the highlight of my day, I AM SO OPPRESSIVELY BORED.

boy that tylenol PM is Grrrreat!

Cooked last night, made some chicken with a bit of olive oil, some fresh onions, basil, it came out great I was thrilled.

Was really fed up with my sleeping issues so I took some Tylenol pm and think I've regulated myself better now.

I really want a dog, saw the most adorable golden puppy yesterday, I really miss Lance

More applications sent, but still haven't heard back from anyone, I can't even find a temp agency that is hiring, I'm in real trouble here

Sarah is packing as we speak, this place will have a much lighter feel in a few days

Winter break always depresses me, not because I don't like Christmas, but because so many people who are important to me are gone for a month, it's really annoying

I'm trying to plan New Years, it has be to better than the last several let's see

1999 re-cooping from transplant three days earlier
2000 Concord, NH, enough said
2001 Glasgow, violent illness, enough said
2002 Russ and I, flat tire, freezing cold
Anyone out there wanna help me make 2003 a bit better?

Christmas not in Maine,going to be odd, I think I'll find a party or something Christmas eve, maybe throw my own for area Jewish young profs, and then Christmas day, movie marathon somewhere, maybe even with a date if I get lucky.

I'll take "people I never expected to have my number let alone us it" for $5000 Alex

So and old friend from high school called last night, good kid, he's married with a three year old and living in MA, I'm sure we will get together at some point in the near future.

Had a quick phone interview today, job probably isn't quite right for me, but nice to know I was at least in consideration, though I am still unemployed, and with Jan. 1. getting closer and closer I am in that panic mode again about next months rent.

I dunno, not much else new

Is anyone really surprised that Bush isn't satisfied with the UN inspections, I mean I am certain that even if they had turned over a freakin nuke we still would be planning for war with Iraq, hell, W needs to be sure he gets re-elected.

RAM, XP and MIT

Sorry for the drought, I had to get some computer issues fixed, learned what RAM does, and installed a stable version of windows, my roommates are almost as thrilled with the speed and stability as I am.

MIT was fun, we had good round but again poor descions abound and yet debaters who quite frankly aren't that good compared to days of yore, are becoming more and more successful, I guess judges are taught to appreciate different things now, by the way, on a 30 point scale why do we need HALF points, since we only use from 22-28 really wouldn't it make more sense to EXPAND the scale instead of using half points? Justin and I had fun though which is good

So I have a date later this week, she's a grad student at Brandeis, from Brookline, and very sweet, should be fun

Spent last night with Matt which was nice, I'm glad we are returning to a friendship that I do very much value. Dinner, a really good movie, two games of Madden 2k3 (oy 7INT in two games)

My Mastercard bill is going to be very high this month, and yet my bank account is very low, this could become a problem

went to an interesting event with Jewish progressive tonight, I was by the far the youngest, but this group, United Leaders, and the Brookline Democratic Town committee, will keep me busy and allow me to do the things I want, who knows, maybe I'll run for office yet.

Welll, I am on my way out the door to a United Leaders event at some swanky club downtown, I'll probably be really out of place and feel like the blue-collar kid I am, but whatever.

Last night was fiarly eventful. A fella posted something to APDnet (debate listserve) it's unimportant what he posted but another debater who facies himself to be a "good" debater, respodning to the oriongal post with venom and was just really unfairly rude to this kid. I mean it wasn't the first time this paricular debater has found it nessacery to be a jack ass, so I called him on the carpet publically, and actually got many emails thanking me for doing so.

Sleeping patter n is messed again, as a reult my doctors office has had me down for two appointments to get my blood takena nd I've missed both, my insides could be shredded beecause of my anti-rejection drugs and I wouldn't know, maybe I don't want to know, who knows.

Not much to report today, didn't really do anything, but who knows I guess someday stuff will change but apparently today nor yesterday, nor the past several years have not been any of those somedays.

So maybe I jumped the gun a bit, my intentions were good, or so I thought, I am thinking jnow that I was so gung ho, and so over the top with my rather grandiose ideas thbecause I once again, had the inescapable need to be needed, to feel like I had a purpose, to feel worthwhile, instead all I really did was spent money I don't ahve to register the website, I upste a few people who could ahbe been valuable allies, and bascially screwed the pooch. I think I was just so bored and aching for something to fill my time that I made something where I shouldn't have G-D DAMN I AM PATHETIC, and if this thing circulates as much as I think it did, I may have scrwed up my chances at the state senate job too.

I know I hate to think somtimes, but then again if I thought things out more often, , maybe I wouldn't be in these situations so often

Ate well today, simply sandwhich for lunch, yogurt for snack, mexican chicken salad for dinner, then I realized I was still hungry, ate two peices of challah and a milk'n'ceral bar, messed upp the whole good day, I must be a stress, and boredom eater.

I was so upbeat after doing what I thought was a good thing, and now I feel worse than I have in a long time, less than 24 horus later.

Well, I have done soemthing really good for the first time in a long time. I have taken the initative to actually start a website for the New Progressive Alliance www.newprogressivealliance.nsemt.org check it out. This thing is really goign to happen and I feel great about it. I had to put down some cash to get it going but I think the expense is worth it because 1. I think I'll be able to raise enough money to pay it off soon, and b. even if I don't this si soemthign I believe in and is worth the risk

I am actually doing this, I'm actually goign to do soemthing worthwhile with my life after all, and genuinely capture my dreams, I just have to keep this momentum going and find others to join in my noble cause. I know we can do it

On a completely different topic, Gelfand and I wrote cases tonight, MIT should be fun oh, and to Chef Chows House, way too many veggies in your shrimp with lobster sauce, wich I have a sneaking suspcion isnt's so much kosher.

it's over, it's done,. it's in the hands of the people choosing who to hrie now. I feel really good about the interview, it was really relaxed and laid back, really nice guy who interviewed me. I feel like this would really be an amazing job, and very natural fit for me. I=t's something I want to do, and right now, other than paying myself a salary when starting this non-profit, it's my only option.

Sarah is leaving us, I can't say that's a terribly loss, but the tv, the couch, the table, the dieshes, those I'll miss.

Blogs are a funny thing, I probably should be more cautios about what I put in here, but that wouldn't be me, I'm an open and honest person, who knows.

I need to have along talk with Zirkin, that boy needs to make a choice about stuff.

Fun day, I woke up, went shopping, found some really cool, and healthy stuff, also went out to Ruebens for dinner, and I am convinced Dave and I are going to start a really strong non--proift, really great potential there I know it, assuming he doens't break my computer :)

I'm more technical than I realized I guess, fixed an issue with our fuses, and in genral feeling good about the house, though we apparently have A MOUSE

Tomorrow is going to be inttersting, I mean, goign to my doc, the BIG interview, casing with Gelfand, bid day indeed.